On the break

   

One day I’m going to shoot a book’s worth of photos of teenage graffiti that’s so bad it’s good. Besides these gems in Huron I would include Columbus’ own Twat Waffle Butt Fuck. Another would be one in Richmond, Indiana on an eight-lane highway bridge underneath the cars. On one end is a simple “Start” with an arrow pointing to a line that stretches across all eight lanes. Once you get to the end it continues on the other side bringing you eight lanes back to where you started. Instead of “Finish” it says “Fuck You.”

Scare Reviews

Last year I hit up every haunted house I could find in Central Ohio and that Halloween was my all-time favorite. This year I haven’t gotten out much, partially because prices are now so high many of my friends don’t want to go, but I did manage to see two out of town places and have plans for two more this week.

THE OHIO STATE REFORMATORY HAUNTED PRISON EXPERIENCE

Talk about a first impression. Elegant yet creepy grand 19th-century architecture awaits visitors when they arrive and it’s easy to imagine why the Ohio State Reformatory is always ranked one of the top haunted houses.

Unfortunately, the haunted reformatory could not live up to those first impressions and was by far the most over-hyped haunted attraction I have ever been to. That’s not to say it wasn’t worth visiting once, for $15, because of the environment, 20-some minute walk and hour wait on Sunday night.

The reformatory was filmed for the Shawshank Redemption made for an enjoyable non-Halloween tour. I imagined sneaking off solo to explore the catwalks and six floors of cells complete with peeling paint and that old dusty smell that explorers of abandon building relish. 

As for the actual haunted tour, the monsters and props were lame. Really lame even by state-run attraction standards. A disclaimor read that no one under 13 would be admitted, but it should have read: Only those under 13 might be scared.

CEDAR POINT HALLOWEEKENDS

Obviously Ohio’s Disneyworld wasn’t going to be scary, but it was first rate and surprisingly fun. Every aspect of the park was decorated from fog machines and creepy lighting that transformed ordinary walkways filled with monsters (the scariest were petite girls who would slide at your ankles on kneepads) to the lines of water rides now being used for a cornfield-themed maze. Riding the Millenium Force rollercoaster at midnight wasn’t bad either.

Lines last Saturday night were typical to the ones you’ll find in the summer (read not worth going), but I was told by a co-worker that on Sunday they didn’t wait more than 15 minutes for anything.

Now the downside, at three hours away and $44 a ticket I don’t think Cedar Point is worth visiting especially with their lines. I only went because Michelle’s mom has a house seven miles away and tickets are free to members of the media. It will be a special occasion (or amazing change in luck that makes me wealthy) before my future children will go to the park.

THE HOOCHIE IS STILL KING

On Thursday and Saturday I would like to attend the Haunted Hoochie as well as go to Lancaster for the Fairfield Christian Church’s hell house.

I went to the Hoochie in 2004 and 2007 and it is easily the best haunted attraction, by far, in the area (at least one you pay to visit – there’s always the abandoned House of Nightmare in the former Knox County poor house).  I’m not going to spoil anything, but the opening scene, that sets thet mood as some crazy hillbilly fright fest, is unbeatable. The pitch dark room with the Korn music is another highlight.

I’ve been planning on going to a hell house for years. Why? There’s nothing scarier (or creepier) than Christians trying to scare the devil out of you.

If you’re interested in going to either one get ahold of me. I could also be easily convinced to drive 45 minutes to the abandoned House of Nightmares, a real haunted house that has enough remants from a fake haunted house to blow your mind. Not for newbie explorers, this place was condemned for a reason.

Lastly, here’s a comprehensive list from The Other Paper about Halloween attractions in Central Ohio.

Out to the break

(Huron, Ohio 10.26.2008)

    

(It takes a special kind of asshole to put a political sign on the beach. )

review: W.

 

Just like George W. Bush’s presidency, W. the movie will not be remembered fondly by history.

 

Oliver Stone’s latest presidential picture is terrible from start to finish mostly because it feels rushed. You know the old saying: If you don’t have enough time to properly make a movie by the November election then don’t set that as your release goal.

 

Josh Brolin as Bush (who received overwhelming admiration in nearly every review – how I’m not sure) and the actors playing his administration and famous family are bad impersonators one step above SNL depictions. Well, maybe one below their Palin. Even the sets are simplistic in the Lifetime-Sunday-afternoon-movie type of way.

 

Not helping matters it the sporadic and illogical timing of the flashbacks that fail to provide much insight about the life of Bush. What was he really like while pledging at a Yale fraternity? Who was Bush the major league baseball owner? Why exactly did he choose to be born again?

 

If you took the movie at its word, you would think our president turned out the way he did entirely because all he ever wanted to do was play baseball and his daddy had a crush on his younger brother.

 

The lone character we develop a slight understanding for is George H. Bush who has a personality as interesting as a brick. (Christ, I would hate to see that movie.). Even then I can only think of James Cromwell as another crazy George from his character in Six Feet Under. Come on, at least use some make up and change your delivery a little.

 

What will ensure W.’s permanent spot in the dusty movie rental clearance bin is the simple fact that it appeals to no one. Red staters will never even give the movie a chance (I wish I was one of them and could have not only the nearly two hours of my life back I spent watching the movie, but also the additional 30 minutes for this review).

 

On the other hand, Bush haters will be disappointed because Stone never sinks his teeth in and criticizes one of the worst presidents in history despite ample opportunities. Even the biggest liberal simpleton will feel embarrassed laughing at the occassional cheesy one-liners (“That dog is so old it needs its own seeing-eye dog.”)

 

I guess Stone was targetting those undecided on their opinion of Bush. Just like the undecided voters presidential campaigns target, I’m not so sure they exist.

 

All this is really too bad. George W. Bush is a compelling character and it’s amazing some phony cowboy with sub-intelligence and a history of failure could not only ascend to the most powerful position in the world, but also win a second term. A story line like that should have easily produced a movie that, at the least, would not have been forgotten by the end of the next president’s term.

Screaming Females

(Screaming Females @ The Legion of Doom, 10.10.2008)

Instinct tells me not to like these ultra-distortion, multi-pedaled rock bands, but I love Screaming Females. It’s not even crush driven this time, though this girl did look kind of cute when she wore my sweaty hat during a show at my house after the generator show.

Coming from the squarest white dude, it’s impossible to stay still when they play, and I don’t just mean the normal head bobs.

Punk Porch photos from earlier this summer.

Forever @ The Monster House 10.18

 

RIP CCF Watertower

By my estimates each rung was a foot apart which would have made the tower 100 feet to the standing platform. The first 90 were at an 85-degree angle, the last 10 were perfectly perpendicular to the ground though it felt like over vert from that height.

After my first visit to the top I promised to never climb fucked up and for each of the dozen times or so I kept my word.

But it was an easy promise to keep. If you were brave enough to climb each rung (countless chickened out around the half way point) you were rewarded with the best view of Columbus.

Facing south you saw the factory dwarfed by downtown not only in scale but color. It was hard to imagine that the place once employed hundreds in all likelihood around the clock. Instead downtown seemed like a destination.

You could also follow the endless railroad track and remember hoping a train out of the Buckeye Yard, riding it through forgotten farmland and crossing over the Ohio River just as the early summer sun was retiring for the day. Once stopped all we knew about our location was that we were in Kentucky, but our disorientation left when we saw our first road: Route 23.

Rotate 180 degrees around the platform and you’d get a comprehensive view of the student ghetto, real ghetto, campus and south Clintonville. Height has a way of equalizing neighborhoods and from the tower each seemed tranquil.

I never got around to taking my camera up to the top, I thought I had until at least next spring before they tore it down, but for once I don’t regret it.

(I’m tentatively planning for the third issue of the zine to have interviews with workers from CCF.)

   

Project updates

Lots of new Black Cloud-related developments recently.

1 – photos of Delay in Give Me Back (last name spelled wrong)

2 – review of Black Cloud #1 in Give me Back

3 - photos in the Sporeprint #3 zine (last name spelled wrong, remember, “i” before “e” accept after “c”)

4 – Jimmy took my zine to the Richmond Zine Fest and said people enjoyed it

5 – attended a small zine summit at the Sporeprint Infoshop on Friday

6 – research photography check from Maxim (see above), maybe one day the Black Cloud will pay the bills

7 – finished the November Columbus Sucks Because You Suck (except for band listings)

At the Zine Summit I realized I’m almost out of issue one which can only mean I need to finish issue 2. That’s my goal … after CSBYS is out. I promise this time. Website tweaks after that. Any suggestions? Leave ‘em as comments.

Happy belated birthday, Brit Poison

 

An off night for photos, an on night for fun. Clowns, pez obession, Elvis fanaticism, prom pictures, Mikeal punching Max in the face, confetti, cake, a keg, tiara, balloons: a proper birthday.

                  

Bicycle Boner

If anyone is into seeing the nicest personal collection of track bikes, maybe in the world, check out this forum.

My favorite is the first titanium bike (glad to see someone has a ti fetish worse than mine). I knew those cranks existed at a price of over $500, but ti drops? Mark my word, one day my mtb and fixed gear will be as tirrific.

Scroll down and look at the other pages for the entire collection … damn.